Dragons, mandalas and demons
I have felt really quite miserable of late having had an endometriosis flare up. This has left me exhausted and in pain and generally grumpy with my body. Although it does keep going so I shouldn’t blame my body. It has to shout at me to get me to stop and then tells me to sleep and gets ignored. Then it gives me no choice and sits me down hard and tells me to stay there until it is absolutely and completely necessary to get up again. Some days I sleep. Some days I’m not comfortable enough to sleep (this is in the precious time the kids are at school mind you). Some days I watch endless episodes of Star Trek: Voyager on Netflix. I could watch something more fashionable or gritty but it’s actually good comfort television for me akin to the likes of Gilmore Girls or Chuck. Something I enjoy and can get sucked into or something I can half watch and nap to or something I can crochet to. Basically something that takes my mind of the horrendous amount of pain I’ve been in!
So in an effort to further that I thought I should write a bit about crochet for a change. I had a good rant about plastic in my last post so I’m mixing it up to keep you avid readers on your toes!
I’ve been busy crocheting this dragon for my littlest one who has her birthday this weekend. She asked for a blue dragon and then a rainbow dragon so I have compromised and gone for a blue dragon with rainbow wings. It’s not yet complete but it’s coming along nicely. Only two legs, two ears and some spikes to do before assembly.
Lately I’ve been wondering what to do with my life but then I dont have enough energy to clean my sewing desk which is currently covered in crap. Gets me down. I am so utterly exhausted that I can barely lift my arms. Now forgive me if I sound condescending but this is the kind of exhaustion that only someone with a chronic or long-term illness can understand. Just like I can’t understand what it’s like to do a 36 hour shift as a doctor or nurse in a hospital. Or climb to the peak of Everest. And to be honest, my friends, if you don’t already know then I don’t want you to. I wouldn’t wish this exhaustion on anybody. It’s not akin to not getting enough sleep or being too busy. Not even to newborn baby related sleep deprivation (although that is definitely tough). It’s the kind of thing where you walk up the stairs and then have to sit down for two minutes before you can move again. I don’t mean I’m unfit or lazy. I mean my body is screaming at me when I’m three quarters of the way up the stairs and telling me to stop. I mean it feels like I’ve run a marathon when I’ve climbed an average flight of stairs. I mean if I forget something and have to go back downstairs I’m not sure I can make it back up and I sometimes cry because I genuinely don’t think I can make it.
Sometimes I have to and it takes me 15 minutes to get up, go back downstairs (which is hard but gravity is on my side) sit down to recover, move to whatever I need, get it and take a deep breath to get myself back upstairs.Sometimes I need a breather halfway. Sometimes I nearly crawl. Sometimes I use that last ounce of strength to make it to my bed (luckily near the top of the stairs) and just flop. My husband even joked recently that if we’d known stairs were going to prove such an issue we should have found another one-storey house like we had in France. I’m taking measures by seeing specialists here and getting new medications. Lately these are my evening tablets. It takes a while to take them all! But hopefully soon the energy will be greater and that sewing desk will be cleared!
So when I say I’ve managed to crochet something I mean that in a celebratory way. I also find writing a blogpost is an achievement. Actually anything that is an ‘extra’ in my day, that isn’t washing up or the school run or creating packed lunches or thinking up something for dinner, is an achievement. God I sound whiny! So let’s turn this around.
So looking at the upside:
- I can smile every day
- My family give me lots if hugs
- My friends and family, who are literally scattered around the round, send me messages of love and encouragement.
- My husband supports me wholly
- Crochet was once described as my mindfulness. I like this, not only for the truth within but also because I didn’t see it that way until my friend described it thus.
- I have lately rediscovered my other loves of acting and singing.
- I am finding good friends here.
And back to crochet (told you I was keeping you on your toes).
The other day I was changing my candle colour scheme (being of Wiccan inclination means I mark certain changes in the year and the autumn equinox was one) and discovered that I had either lost, given away, or never gotten around to doing some of the candle holder crochet covers I like to do. So I created a purple to go with this phase of the year. Then creativity struck and I created a mandala for my main candle to sit on on my new alter that I have recently gotten around to creating. I have to say I’m really pleased with how it turned out. A friend recently said that sometimes those small projects are the most rewarding because you get the results instantly. This is so true. I’m so glad I did this little thing for me and my alter display. The other projects I often start for me are bigger or more time consuming and so often get left for months at a time. So this was just the evening’s distraction I needed. Perfect. What do you think?
I know this post has been back and forth so thank you for reading all the way to the end! It gives you an insight into the crazy workings of my mind.
Now, I’ve made it to the top of the stairs so time for bed for me.
Take care and next time you feel in a funk maybe get your creativity flowing. You never know what may happen.