Fighting myself

Hello there and Happy New Year! How are we all? I myself feel pretty crap today. Not a good start as it’s January 6th and we’re back into a routine of school bus drop off, pre-school drop off and trying desperately to catch up with washing. But I am taking today off. I am in a lot of pain and whilst I’m in a good mood I am having trouble moving and am coping with a lot of spasms. Also, I don’t really get a day off work (full-time mums have the worst hours!) I’m taking today as a given. My body is telling me to stop so I shall. Plus I still haven’t finished my kids Christmas crochet projects (I’ve been busy) and it’s our eldest’s birthday this week so I have other things to do.

 

In all honesty I have loved the last two weeks. And initially this blog post was to tell you all about it and our wonderful time in a log cabin near Mount Fuji. We’ve had loads of precious family time with all five of us which has been great, once we remembered how to all be together that is. Do you get that too? Sometimes you get so bogged down in routine and commitments that suddenly, when you have none, you almost forget how to interact with each other or relax even. My biggest issue is that I put pressure on myself. When it comes to Christmas and generally having time together I want it to all work out so I go out of my way to organise outings or think of meals to make the time go smoothly. Sometimes it works like a dream and sometimes I get my knickers in a twist and everything goes wrong. 

The other day I got so worked up (I was emotional, tired and in pain) that I had a panic attack in the middle of a busy shopping area. Not ideal. I was on my way to meet up with my husband and kids at the car and suddenly I felt like the world was collapsing in on itself. Now I know this area and knew where I was going but the whole experience caught me totally off guard. Luckily I had to cross a green area so I just ran and ran to shake the panic out. That and a reassuring hug from my husband and kids helped. Although that started off as a little stifling but knowing they meant well was the main help.

Pain when I’m out is the worst thing. I don’t feel I can shriek when I’m in public! Apparently that’s frowned upon even though if someone has was in this much pain from stubbing their toe or being punched in the stomach they would definitely make a noise. But I either take deep breaths and hope it will pass or hide in the toilet. The spasms of sudden pain are the worst. I believe the endometriosis is attached to my bowel and bladder so when things move inside it pulls and squeezes and hurts a lot. Plus this means any toilet trip can be excruciatingly painful. I’ve been asked several time if I have IBS and I don’t believe so as I have no other symptoms but it is very, very common for women with endo to be either misdiagnosed with IBS or bladder issues because it is also a common side effect of endometriosis as the growths attach themselves to the bowel and bladder often. For me it is definitely linked to my cycle as the pain whilst ...um...toileting is only during my period. To try and describe it is akin to describing child birth - I can try but it will only give you an idea. When I ‘go’, be it liquid or solid, a lot or a little, it hurts. It’s like being punched in the stomach when you’re already bruised and knowing you have to take several more punches before the pain goes away. Occasionally a few kicks are in there. Actually, having been kicked by a horse, I can say it’s akin to that. But all on the inside, like someone is punching or kicking to get out.

Now some of you are probably thinking this is way too much information but I feel this has to be shared. My dignity flew out the window a long time ago (around the time of my second transvaginal/internal scan!) so I no longer care. Men and women alike need to know how much this condition can affect every aspect of life. I try and eat what helps and avoid what doesn’t. Over the last two weeks I’ve have two cheese weaknesses and two wheat weaknesses but that’s it. Tiny amounts. I’ve drunk more alcohol than normal due to Christmas and New Year celebrations so that won’t have helped either. But does anyone deserve an imaginary horse kicking their bowels, bladder, uterus and ovaries because they’ve eaten a bit of cheese with a nice glass of wine? I don’t think so.

I still go out of the house because it helps my depression. Yesterday I was in tons of pain but we had a babysitter available for the little one so took the big kids to see Star Wars IX. It was a great distraction but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t in pain. I snuck out during the film to use the facilities in order to be more comfortable but there was a queue so I just held on which hurt. I had a heat pack but at one point I had a wriggle, because I was uncomfortable, and I lost the heat pack in the dark of the cinema! That’s was an interesting find for the clean up staff! 

Walking helps but it’s an effort to make it out. We have begun walking again as a family. I need to take my stick if I’m hurting so I can have something ready to lean on. It has been lovely to get out and gentle stretching like that and yoga work wonders for mild pain but on a day like today (when the pain is reaching 10/10 at times) just putting one foot in front of the other can be a trial. People who see me wouldn’t know. It’s all that practice of keeping a smile on my face and hiding it from the kids so as not to worry them. Plus I don’t want to be miserable so I make that choice. The show must go on.

Crochet helps with pain control. I set myself up with my hot water bottle or wheatie heat pack and sit in my favourite armchair with crochet in hand and the remote control next to me. It is a necessity today. An action that will mean the difference between making the school pick up and not. The crochet focuses my mind on something other than the pain and brings it down a notch or two. Plus it means I’m being creative and achieving something whilst resting so that helps my mental state.

Basically if you saw me today I would smile and say I’m fine. I’m not. I hurt. A lot. I just don’t want to appear weak. Again I’m not and I know that. But showing suffering from pain still has a sort of taboo in society. You’re supposed to hide yourself away if you suffer. Suffer in silence. I won’t. I’m suffering loudly. So the world needs to accept that I hurt. I’m going home to find my hot water bottle and soothe my pain. And maybe eat chocolate because I’m sure that helps.