Finding the truth behind the tantrums

Warning! This post is full of waffling and random pictures from our garden.

Oh my poor kids. They just don’t know what they’re doing at the moment and have no idea what to expect any time soon. We’ve started socialising with 2 different families but that’s it. Schools in Japan prepare to return next week and my kids are so nervous. For the older two it’s optional. It’s just the last 3 weeks of term for them as the school follows the western school year of August/September to June/July. The school want to get kids back in just so they can all reconnect and the learning stays predominantly online. Each grade/year only goes in once or twice a week and there are many measures in place to stop any spread of infection. I spoke with my older two about this as we figured they’re the ones having to go into the unusual school environment and they can choose so let’s give them a choice. Neither of them are keen on wearing face masks and they don’t like the idea of having to remember to walk one side of the corridor at all times etc. To be honest I think they don’t want to see school like that. They opted to stay online. It makes no difference to me. We didn’t want them going on the bus so I’d have been driving a lot 4 days a week rather than juggling school work at home. It’s not like I’d be resting so I saw it as looking after their emotional well-being. They can still keep up with school work and feel safe and comfortable at home.

As for the smallest one well she is returning to school. Her school is very small and they’ve split the class of (not even) 20 into 2 and will have them in in those groups for just 2 hours at a time. They have certain new rules as well but understand that as the kids are much smaller they won’t be as tolerant of face masks. The teachers are predominantly taking the precautions and have ordered some face shields for the kids as they’re a bit easier. Lots of hand washing and keeping drinks separate and they won’t eat at school to start with. After a week or two they’ll see how it has all worked and go from there. As our smallest one has started running off with random children in the park we figured it’s best to get her socialising in a safe environment.

One thing that’s really hard at the moment is learning how to cope with my almost-teen. I remember that age being really tough anyway but with all this uncertainty in the world I can’t even comfort her by saying everything is alright. She’s desperate to visit home/the U.K. and to get a pony/horse. Somehow she wants to magically make it happen (we’ve explained the expense). Currently she’s trying to train herself by getting up early (to practise waking up to feed horses) and she’s doing sooo much internet research on types of horse and how to feed them and what and when. She’s got a new favourite you tuber who talks about her ponies and every sentence is horse or pony related. I got her a gym ball so she can sit on it to practise her balance and posture and we’ve stuck a horse toy in her bike basket to make cycling more enjoyable and to remind her it helps with balance. Basically we’re doing everything we can except buying a horse. I have two Japanese speaking friends phoning stables all over the prefecture to see if they’ll take her on without her speaking Japanese. All this distracts her from the world situation. She’s very observant and even snatches of conversations get converted into anxiety about the world and wanting people to be happy. She’s exhausted and needs hugs. At the moment, when - tantrums brew, she often just melts into our arms. She doesn’t know what to think or where to turn so I make sure I’m there, arms open wide, to just hold her and make her feel safe.

On top of all this my husband’s job is in jeopardy. The company he works for has made massive staffing cuts and closed two offices in other parts of the world. Said company is currently playing its cards close to its chest and there’s the usual political aspect at the top. My poor love feels so downbeat. He and many other expats are on tenterhooks today as an announcement is due but not been made yet. The kids are obviously picking up on this too. I can’t say much as a lot of it is still confidential but it’s all very dramatic and unprecedented in my husband’s industry. To say he’s updated his C.V./resume at stupid o’clock this morning would be putting a positive spin on it.

So I’ve declared it a Lego day today and am hiding in the gazebo with my coffee and listening to my neighbour’s radio. The kids have mostly finished their work for the day and (despite it being only 11am) have already had ice lollies! My job is to keep everyone happy. That will never change. And yes, it includes me but honestly my goal right now is to hide in this beautiful shade I’ve made and drink a ridiculous amount of coffee related or carbonated drinks until I’m one giant gas bubble. People keep asking me: “And how are YOU?” and it’s lovely to know they all care. But honestly, right now, I can’t quite quantify. I’m alright. I’m looking into the psychology of my family’s actions and understanding where they’re coming from. I’m quite chilled but I also expect the emotion is hiding in this gazebo with me too. It’ll burst soon enough but right now my job is to be the security we can’t find in life today. I’m the homemaker, right? So I shall make home. Is shall be the strong pillar holding everything up. Today I feel confident I can do this. Today I need to do this. Today this is my job. Today I shall find what I need and be as strong as they need me to be.

Lots of love to you all, after all that’s one thing I have in abundance, love.